Recognizing Sexual Predator Language: Protect Yourself Today

Yes, they are out there. We fear them but we can’t always see them. They target all of us but particularly the most vulnerable and innocent, our children. “They” are sexual predators. Sexual predators are on the street in plain sight, in our workplaces, and online. It is important to recognize the warning signs of predatory behavior, like grooming, in order to protect yourself and your loved ones from a sexual predator.

What is Grooming?

Grooming is a tactic where someone methodically builds a trusting relationship with a child or young adult, their family, and community to manipulate, coerce, or force the child or young adult to engage in sexual activities. It’s usually employed by a family member or someone else in the victim’s circle of trust, such as a coach, teacher, youth group leader or others who naturally have some interaction with the victim.

Sexual predators exploit their victims by manipulating the victim while becoming more aggressive with abusive behaviors by:

Making the victim feel special in a non-sexual way;
Keeping conduct secret;
Giving gifts;
Using threats and intimidation tactics;
Sexual jokes by school personnel without being reprimanded;
Bribery;
Extortion;
Isolation;
Coercion.

Grooming by sexual predators is used by employers in workplaces, doctors in private practice, teachers in schools, and leadership in churches to exploit and manipulate victims for sexual favors and can happen both in-person and online. Everyone — parents and their children — should be aware of the harmful language of sexual predators in all the places that they lurk and inhabit.

Language Used by Predators in-Person

A sexual predator may use manipulative language to coerce the person to agree to the abuse. The perpetrator may shower the young person with compliments to boost his or her self-esteem. As he gets closer and gains the child’s trust, he may insult or mock the victim on their appearance, clothes, or friends. He may lie and twist the information, making the abused feel at fault.

Behaviors of the Predator

Certain behaviors of the predator who may be grooming your child, according to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, are as follows:

Victim selection: Abusers often observe possible victims and select them based on ease of access to them.
Gaining access and isolating the victim: Abusers attempt to physically and emotionally separate a victim from those protecting him or her and seek out positions where they have contact with minors.
Trust development and keeping secrets: Perpetrators give gifts to gain trust, sharing “secrets” to make the victim think it’s a caring relationship and to keep the relationship secret.
Desensitization to touch and discussion of sexual topics: Touching the child in ways that appear harmless, hugging, tickling, and later to more sexual contact; showing pornography, and discussing sexual topics.
Attempt by abusers to make their behavior seem natural to avoid raising suspicions. Be aware of a young person having a relationship with an adult that includes secrecy, undue influence or control, or pushes personal boundaries.

Gaslighting

Another tactic that predators often use is gaslighting. David W. Wahl, Ph.D., in an article in Psychology Today, defines sexual gaslighting as “the psychological and abusive manipulation of another for the purpose of the other to question their reality around a sexual situation.” The goal of gaslighting is to convince him or her that their thoughts or instincts can’t be trusted.

Love Bombing

Sexual predators can use love bombing — a form of sexual coercion or emotional abuse as a manipulative tactic — parents, take note — that may look like this:

Giving lots of attention and compliments;
Giving expensive gifts;
Expressing intense feelings of love;
Texting or calling constantly;
Trying to keep the victim from seeing friends or family.

These tactics can make a woman or a young child more vulnerable to exploitation by the predator.

Environments for Grooming Behavior

Children who attend church youth groups, join a sports team, or are involved in any extracurricular activity can be potentially exposed to a sexual predator and his grooming behaviors. Children should be warned about the dangers of sexual predators and how to identify their behaviors.

At Church

Church is a place where we all should feel safe. Unfortunately, pastors, priests, and those in leadership positions of the church can be guilty of manipulating their members, even the young ones. Some pastors manipulate from the pulpit by preaching a political sermon. Some youth pastors and priests may take advantage of children in their care. While attending a church-sponsored event, young boys and girls can be manipulated into trusting those in authority and are often caught off guard when a leader abuses them. Everyone, especially children, should be made aware of the tactics used by sexual predators in environments where a predator could be lurking.

Signs of Grooming and Potential Next Steps

Someone who has been abused by a sexual predator may or may not exhibit signs of the abuse. RAINN lists physical, behavioral, and emotional signs of abuse on its website. The “Warning Signs for Young Children” are as follows:

Physical signs:

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs);
Signs of trauma to the genital area, such as unexplained bleeding, bruising, or blood on the sheets, underwear, or other clothing;

Behavioral signs:

Excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics;
Keeping secrets and not talking as much as usual;
Not wanting to be left alone with certain people or being afraid to be away from primary caregivers, especially if this is a new behavior;
Regressive behaviors or resuming behaviors they had grown out of, such as thumb sucking or bedwetting;
Overly compliant behavior;
Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age;
Spending an unusual amount of time alone;
Trying to avoid removing clothing to change or bathe.

Emotional signs:

Change in eating habits;
Change in mood or personality, such as increased aggression;
Decrease in confidence or self-image;
Excessive worry or fearfulness;
Increase in unexplained health problems such as stomach aches and headaches;
Loss or decrease in interest in school, activities, and friends;
Nightmares or fear of being alone at night;
Self-harming behavior.

Trust Your Instincts

Recognizing the above signs may not be easy, and you are encouraged to trust your instincts if you feel uncomfortable approaching the young child.

Resources for Survivors

If you or your child has suffered sexual abuse or grooming by a predator, there are resources for finding healing and a place to share your story.

How to Protect Yourself and Others

The threat of being victimized by a sexual predator is real. RAINN reports that “every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.” RAINN also reports that “every nine minutes, child protective services substantiates, or finds evidence for, a claim of child sexual abuse.” (The National Crime Victimization Survey is the primary source of data on RAINN’s site.)

Protecting yourself and others from potential grooming behavior can include:

Being aware of your surrounding at all times;
Being involved in your child’s life and knowing the people in your child’s life.
Teaching your child about boundaries, that no one has the right to touch him or her or make them feel uncomfortable.
Teaching your child how to talk about their bodies.
Staying cautious online.
SPEAKING UP if something doesn’t feel right.

Cases Where Individuals Were Able to Recognize and Report Sexual Assault Behavior

A sexual assault by a predator can happen before one realizes it. A routine gynecological exam should be a normal experience of expectant mothers or women being proactive about their health. Surprisingly, there are some doctors who have “crossed the line” and sexually assaulted their patients by inappropriate behavior. Fortunately, some women recognized that something was “off” and felt uncomfortable enough to report their doctor and file lawsuits. Two OBGYNs, Dr. David Broadbent and Dr. Fabio Ortega, abused their patients in their position as their doctors and were found guilty of sexual assault because their patients spoke out.

Children’s Online Games

A predator can sneak into your child’s bedroom disguised as a new virtual friend on the internet, intent on sexually exploiting him or her. Roblox is the world’s biggest user-generated game zone “geared for children.” Parents are under the impression that Roblox is safe, but that is far from the truth.

Sextortion

A term of which many have not even heard, “sextortion” is happening to children playing online games, like Roblox. Per the FBI, sextortion is a serious crime that occurs when someone threatens to distribute your private and sensitive material if you don’t provide them images of a sexual nature, sexual favors, or money. The perpetrator may also threaten to harm your friends or relatives by using information they have obtained from your electronic devices unless you comply with their demands.

Concerned Parent

If a parent is concerned that their child may be a target of a sexual predator while playing an online game, that parent should speak up immediately about predatory behavior. Call the FBI at 1-800-225-5324 or submit a tip online at CyberTipline.org. Keep any documentation of chats or images.

Legal Options

You may have legal options. Call A Case for Women at 1-866-488-4786 any time, day or night.

How to Identify the Language of a Sexual Predator